Panic attacks is the term that most people think is an excuse for being awkward or not wanting to go out and just say at home. I can say it’s not mine started when I was pregnant and in the middle of a bus journey home from the hospital I suddenly felt sick, the world was closing in, I had a tight chest and I knew I had to get off the bus but I couldn’t we were ages away from home and currently on a strip with no pavements and no bus stops. Luckily I had my mum with me and after that I didn’t have them for a while.
I worried every time I went on a bus alone that it might happen and it never did until lately.
My panic attacks are back and much worse, everyone thinks it’s an attention thing I can tell you it’s really not and they usually happen when I’m alone without Ethan to focus on.
I was with Ethan and my dad and it happened and this was only this weekend. I got short tempted, hot and cold and just wanted to hide and the knot kept tightening but as soon as I left the town centre I calmed down and it went but I can feel them coming that tight knot forms in my stomach, I feel like someone is always behind me and grabbing me and squeezing until I pop.
I’ve been told I can’t have tablets as it’s not bad enough but the doctors don’t live with it. I don’t want to rely on tablets at all but lately I can’t control it. I can tell they are coming the smallest thing can set it off even too many cars going past or someone who looks like an ex or even the car they used to have. I can get myself home but my vision goes tunnelled, I feel sick and tight chest and I suddenly sweat a lot and I find music helps to get me home but how someone can say I’m faking it and doing it for attention baffles me why would I do that? If I wanted attention I could do so many other things.
This is a mental illness and many don’t bother to notice and the doctors don’t help when they say there is nothing they can do.
I hate that knot in my stomach, I hate the feeling of worrying and panic every time I go out alone and now it’s creeping into when I have Ethan too. Nobody knows the battle your fighting when nobody asks or cares.
I’m here and I care.
Your never alone.
I have been penpalling since January but I now have over 50! I also do swapbot and Postcrossing too which both take up time and money but I just love it! It’s so nice to get happy mail in the form or letters and postcards sometimes even parcels full of goodies. The people in these communities are lovely I met all my penpals from Instagram but searching the hashtag of #penpalswanted and a few I’ve met on swapbot (link above on swapbot). Some say it’s a werid hobby or a expensive one but it’s only expensive if you choose it to be and who has any right to say it’s werid? I openly admit I’m geeky so what?! We all have our quirks and I love mine.
I recently started up my own website too selling the handmade envelopes I started making for penpal letters and washi tapes too which all snail mailers know is a staple. Mimi Makes is the name and I’m hoping to get more stock on there soon! Take a look and share it about please I would love to make a sale as all orders come with a gift 🎁
Why not try snail mail for yourself?
You may just get addicted
Today I made something random and I love it! I made a crayon roll so I can take Ethan’s crayons when we go to appointments and on holiday (cannot wait!!).
I follow this website to make it and this is how it turned out ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️
I wish I had made it two to three inches longer as I couldn’t fit three crayons in but that’s because we had a box of 18 from the 99p store! Live and learn ah? So don’t spend loads of money on one make one 😊
If any of you follow my Instagram you will of seen my finished baby quilt after nearly two years. It was a love hate relationship but for my first quilt I don’t mind it and now just have to sew the bottom where I turned it inside out if I can do it anyone can! Just make your blocks bigger than I did as vest and tshirt material will stretch!!!
Everyone bangs on about sausage Casserole in a slow cooker so I went to try it and it was DISGUSTING ! I have now found out this was due to the jarred sauce I had used as it had anchovies in it which make me heave!
If you want to try it you may like it then buy this sauce ⬇️
If your like me and a casserole Virgin this is how you do it
Add sauce to slow Cooker turn on warm if you have this function.
Fry your sausages to give them some colour and less of a unerect penis look (you will agree with me if you don’t do it!) Once they are coloured and cooked like this ⬇️
Then add them to the sauce (try not to add the fat) and turn onto low for 6 -7 hours or 4-5 on high ⬇️
And There you go I wiped my down of sauce and added plenty of ketchup and made sausage sandwiches I won’t be attempting casserole again!
Being a parent isn’t just about days out and spending money. It isn’t just about being there one a week or twice a week it’s about all the little things like cutting down their finger nails and brushing their teeth.
It’s about being the one they want when they are poorly and the one they want at 2am. Being there part time or some of the time might be the only option for some parents but it does take more than just seeing them, it takes the effort to care about the smaller things and those are the things they will remember. They will remember when they were really poorly and you stayed up all night with them telling them stories and giving them cuddles. They won’t remember the price of the latest bike when it’s broken or got a puncture. Children don’t care about how much cash you splash they care about love and kindness!
Today I did the challenge one of my penpals nominated me after I thought i had got away with it! It’s cold I look a mess and very chubby and I did it in my pjs with my ex boyfriends dad filming it and Ethan watching but it’s for charity and I will donate when I get paid as right now I only have 50p to my name!
I can’t seem to post it on here so it’s on my youtube channel at MsMeganEllen check it out will post a direct link when it’s uploaded !
MY ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE
I nominate all of you x
When a relationship ends it creates upset for everyone even the person doing the dumping but I feel that it must happen for a reason so if it can be a friendly break up that’s the bests way. Tears were shed and things said but when your still facebook friends surely that means it wasn’t too bad ah?
So back to plenty of fish it was and yes coming across his profile wasn’t exactly the best feeling in the world but we are both adults (apparently!) so I shrug it off.
It’s amazing who comes out the wood work when you become single and who suddenly takes an interest again and it makes you realise who is just fair weather friends or just wanting sex?!
Becoming single again has made me realised that I need to focus on me, (and Ethan but that’s a given!) I’ve got back into the gym and am now going three times a week and you can already see the difference in the photo below or at least I can.
I have got my head down and focusing on my university course that I start I’m October and I’ve opened an online store for my handmade envelopes that I use for my penpals letters as I always get such good compliments on them. Hopefully that will bring in some small pennies to spend on Ethan on our holiday in October.
Finally I will say this
I’ve decided to get back to the gym to work on my body and make me feel better about myself I plan to go twice a week possibly three times a week if childcare is possible. It works out £5 per session but can’t afford membership as it’s not always guaranteed I’ll have the money to go.
I’m going to do 30 sit ups a night and work my number each night up by ten or twenty and I’m going to cut out my treats and try to get my five a day.
I don’t want to loose weight (probably need too!) but want to tone badly as my stomach looks bigger than my boobs at the minute!
Will upload my measurements on Tuesday and will check it weekly
Wish me luck!
Today we went to Legoland in Windsor just Tom, Ethan and myself it was an amazing day very tiring but enough to do for a 20 month old to keep us busy 11-4 (park opens 10.30-6). Ethan’s now asleep at 7.25 so it must of been exhausting! It’s lovely to have days out when you can enjoy each other’s company and try and relax (relax with a 20 month old!?). In my opinion it always brings us closer but there is always the thought in my head of he would rather be with his daughter which I’m pretty sure is true on the most part who wouldn’t want to be with their child!
We spoke and laughed and got pretty wet on rides but it was a good day and thanks to the sun it wasn’t expensive at all!
Next year I hope we can take both kids but who knows what will happen in a year!
Now where’s my bed I’m exhausted!