Goodbye To A Good Friend

It’s always sad to loose a friend, and by this I don’t mean by death I actually mean they have walked away. I’ve lost many friends over the years many who were fake and many who just grew apart by this one is different. I’m pretty sure he won’t read this but i need to get it off my chest. 

Tonight a friendship finally ended that has been on and off way too many times due to fights, jealous lovers, numerous misunderstood incidents and this final time was due to jealousy on their part. I’m sad to finally of been blocked and unfriended all due to something that could of been fixed especially when so much worse is going on in the world. If I could get them to listen to me they might understand why I’ve been trying to fix this friendship but it  won’t happen the shutters have come down, the walls have been built.

When I bring someone in to Ethan’s life I don’t expect to have to explain to him why they ignored him in the street or why they don’t come round to play cars anymore or help mummy when she’s stressed I expect them to stick around. I place a lot of trust in someone when they meet Ethan and when it gets broken,  a little boy gets heartbroken too he understands that his friend has gone with no rhyme or reason and I can’t cure that hurt. He’s two and a half he shouldn’t understand that people leave and never com eback.

This person I’ve loved more than a friend for many years but it never was right, something/ someone was always in the way and just as I felt it was right and I knew he agreed it crumbled and ended and I’m left wondering why. I know they were scared to get hurt again and so was I but I was willing to try but that wasnt returned. After trying to fix the friendship many times in the last week, they finally returned what I’ve done to them many times, and the what’s app block was put into place. This came only a few minutes after them telling me some worrying news about their health which I can only believe they told me because they know I care (or just to get me to stop.)

I hope they see this and know I care so much and I really do need to talk to them just once more it’s important but maybe in a year or ten they might talk to me again but I won’t be waiting for them, and this important message won’t be there then. Two years waiting was long enough for me.

So Many Anxiety Attacks 

So many anxiety attacks lately and I’m starting to wonder why! They had settled down since we moved as I felt safe in my new house and I felt I had control but now I feel like I’m loosing it all over again! 

I’m trying to regain it by having everything planned and focusing on weights and my little projects instead but it’s not working and luckily I have my best mate to help me when times get tough. Sometimes I wish I could just get the drugs and go numb and then I remember why I have fought so hard not to be on them and to be able to feel everything because otherwise what’s the point in living!

I lost my friend recently to brain cancer and it hit me hard that life is for living, she was always the life and soul of the party and wouldn’t let anything get her down even brain cancer! If I ever fall ill I hope I have the strength and support network like she did, she filled the church and the graveyard with people and I didn’t see one dry eye during the service (apart from Ethan’s dad but he’s got no heart) and I really hope I haven’t pushed everyone away by the time my time comes and that my service is amazing as hers. 

Goodbye 21 

On Thursday I turn 22 (feeling 42!) so on reflection what has happened in my 21st year??

  • I’ve taken Ethan on his first holiday abroad and we went to the beach and ate way too much!
  • I’ve gone back to university and stuck at it and I’m PASSING my modules so far 
  • I’ve had my heart broken numerous times
  • I’ve moved house and decorated and still not finished 
  • I’ve lost a few friends but gained loads of new ones
  • I’ve lost the weight I put on 😃
  • I’ve started weights 💪🏻
  • I’ve had New tattoos and old ones covered

There is so many more things a lot negative that I could write but I want to focus on Good things that I want to happen in my 22nd year!

  • I have planned a new holiday with jade to Amsterdam (child free!!)
  • I’ve got Spain planned with Mum and Ethan again 
  • I’ve got more tattoos planned 
  • This year will be my year to find a man I just have a feeling 
  • More nights out needed with my nearest and dearest 

The one thing I wanted to write that’s happened this year is that I’ve got a new boyfriend but I haven’t and can’t see it on the horizon to be honest but let’s stay positive I have a feeling that this is should be my year! 

My New Toy

I got a new die cut machine and I love it! I’m selling some on eBay actually for all the people like me who don’t own one (I was lucky and was given it) and do pocket letters and snail mail and card marking x
   

I can’t currently rotate them on my phone but if you would like my eBay username let me know! I have a few other bits on there too x

I Need To Learn

I need to learn to not give too many choices as I always get hurt and it’s always by people who I think are different! 

I’m always the one who gives a next time and say it might be different anyone else do that? Well I can say it’s not happening anymore and people get one chance then I’m done I’m so over getting childcare sorted and then to be let down for pathetic reasons if I did that to someone else they would be fuming so now it’s my turn!

Waiting Game

 Now I’m just waiting for the cancel message to come through but either way this mummy is going out tonight I’m not wasting another might over a man!

Changed dresses numerous times due to no suitable footwear and back to my original choice!

And here is the cancel message this time due to friends not letting him leave the car show they are at. 

Furious is not the word!

Let’s throw in a selfie because I can!

 

Saturday Night 

Tomorrow night, he is meant to be coming over and it’s his last chance before I totally give up on him! I have no clue what we are doing but  I can’t stand another night in!

I give guys one chance after they bail on me and that’s it as I’m too fed up of being stringed along and/or played alongside other girls so we will see!

I Could Write A Book….

People always say to me that I could write a book about what’s happened to me and yeah I could but why would anyone read it? I’m not Katie piper or Katie price or anyone special I’m just me!

I’ve had it pretty easy compared to some and I don’t deny that but I could probably write a whole series about failed dates and weird conversation starters on pof as well as the weird moments on tinder but I chose a blog instead! I’m starting to believe relationships aren’t for me I have too much baggage and not enough confidence. I can’t trust for fear of getting hurt and my anxiety has decided to come back with revenge and ruin all hope I had for my date tomorrow (his final chance after last week)! 

So would I write a book? Never rule it out but for now I’ve just blog and rant! It’s easier that way and free!